The Path

This picture is the visual of my out of the darkess journey

Out of the Darkness

I am so blessed to have true friends that can encourage me no matter how many oceans separate us. I’ve been struggling to love who I am in Christ and not desire to compare myself to others. It’s uphill, but the climb is growing sweeter. The bittersweet weeks of December and January have melted into a meadow filled with the flowers of courage, refuge, and hope. I cried out and He answered, I am safely home and comforted. Gone is the loneliness that is lies and deception in the forest where sunlight rarely reaches Currently I am somewhere in the meadow looking towards the son. I think life is a series of dark times and light times. The darkest hours of in the deepest part of your soul serve to act as a counterforce for the life that Christ fills with joy. It is because of the climb through the brambles and tangles that the growth is sweet, the air is fresh and the bright hopes of tommorrow are filling the sky.

Seeds, Patience, and a little fruit

So, those who know me, know patience isn't exactly my biggest strength. In fact I struggle with it in so many ways. I hate lines, I dread those recipes that have me doing nothing for extended periods of time. In fact although I can cook gourmet meals, I had to have help cooking Rice a Roni the other night. It may be the San Francisco treat, but the part where you wait for the rice to brown drives me insane. (This is leading somewhere). This last week at church we were given charge of a sweetpea seed. I have cup, seed, soil, and water. It sits on my window sill where it can get light. Now I must wait. There it is the patience. I was looking into it a few minutes ago and wondering, anticipating, hoping to see just a tiny inkling of growth and change. Yet there is nothing. I knew there would be nothing, but yet the hope is still there. So there it is another practice in patience. Still there is a point to the seed as it is an analogy for my spiritual growth. I must be in the right place, surrounded by the right things, and then wait on the evidence of change in my life. That isn't wait on change, but waiting on the fruit.
This last week I learned lessons in leadership and worship as I spend 52 hours with 3 adults and 9 middle school students while attending a youth conference on worship. I look in anticipation to the differences my changes and new outlook will create in my life and eventually in the life of others. So I desire results now. I love the immediate. I'm probably a one marshmallow type of gal, but oh I desire the ability to wait for the two marshmallow option. My mind needs more patience as I grow. Patience as I strive for something more than mediocrity.

The art of slowing

Ortberg says Love and hurrying are mutually incompatible. That hurry can destroy us. So, it seems the thing to do is enter into a practice of waiting patiently and doing, or better yet, being slowly. My pace and list fight against this, but oh the hope.

Just
to
slow.
Yet, how indeed can I just cut things and tasks from my list without retribution? How does one truly go about prioritizing and deleting those things deemed less worthy of my time. Do less. Any yet practice a little solitude and the

freedom
I feel
is
telling.

It's critical for my soul, for shalom, for future, and for joy. To pause long enough to feel the rthymn of the world, which moves at the pace it moves before humanity attempted its jet paced life, breaking the speed of sound, and creating instant worldwide communication.
Stop.
Wait.
Dwell.
Be.
Leave behind. I see how it begins now.
Drive in the slow line, get in the long line, smile at the cute kid, watch the sun set.
Take the time
to smell
the

flowers.

My parents were visiting and I took them to Muir woods. And oh the beauty God has given us. He didn't create on all purpose plant, He created millions of species for us to enjoy. He loves us so much. So here's some of that beauty. The earth displays His majesty for all to see.

JELLO

Okay so this is the coolest thing I saw online Sunday.
San Francisco in Jello I think firstly, she had way too much time on her hands and secondly, it brings a whole new area of jello projects to my brain.

Happy day.

Porcupine Ponderings

Been reading a bit of John Ortberg lately and writing lots. He wrote on community and accepting people for who they are, where they are. Open arms and no hidden agendas, no walls. Frost's writes, "Good fences make good neighbours," Tom Jones, writes "There must always be a wall." Song after song cry out for someone anyone to fill some space, yet we push away from intimacy. Ortberg tells a story about porcupine love.

about
porcupines
dancing together
loving the other
fragility entranced
intimacy unmatched

I get it. I most certainly have the head knowledge to see the parallels aligned the human predicament. Yet I wonder, how much to risk in relationship.

But is there more to gain
Love never lies, love never leaves
Yes there is more to gain
When you don't know where to begin
And love is there in the end

Yes in the end, it is the relationships,
the love from people that matter,
that's what matters.
So then, what is the matter
Why can't we see

We hesitate to engage, to invest, to risk, when there is nothing more desperately needed than the mutual acceptance another human can provide. We fail to adequately prioritize relationships when they are the essential foundation of human health.

invest in the people
step o'er the line
I'll say it again
you'll do just fine
Don't wait too late
'Til you're in the pine

I was tagged.

Okay Kim this blogs for you. ninjanun

10 years ago: 1995 Second semester of college. Not too interesting. Wrote a 10 page paper on the justifications of William the conqueror conquering England. I love English History.

5 years ago:2000 hmm... I think I was teaching 7th and 8th grade math and science, but it might have been 6th grade this year. Some of it blends together. Either way, I came to enjoy parts of math. I loved teaching science.

1 year ago: Same school, same room, different classes, different roommate. Actually this time last year I was knee deep in mid-terms and doing to much while sleeping too little. I was overstressed and and am glad I have since simplified even if I haven't slowed down.

Yesterday: 2nd Saturday art group day. I love being immersed in a group of artists who are supportive and genuine. Then I worked at the Bucks and had a rather enjoyable, though extremely long shift.

5 snacks I enjoy: Ice Cream, Dark Chocolate, Fresh raspberries, Home Made Chocolate Chip Cookies, Edamame.

5 songs I know all the words to: Probably no songs. I'm terrible with words. But nearly all the words well...Where you Lead- Carol King, The Love of God- From Here to There, One girl Revolution- Superchick, Mood Rings- Reliant K, Come, The Heart of Worship

5 things I do with 100 million dollars: Pay every debt I owe, buy a decent car, give money to my church and school(maybe they could repair our dorm roof), pay off my brother and parent's houses, invest wisely.

5 places I'd run away to: England, LA, France, South Africa, India

5 things I'd never wear: indecent clothing intentionally, shoes too small for my feet, rabbit fur sweater (allergic to rabbit), binding clothing, red turtlenecks.

5 favorite TV shows: Boy Meets World, Stargate SG-1, Gilmore Girls, Seeing that I rarely even watch these three anymore I really can't think of two more. I just have little TV time.


5 favorite toys: Computer, Tennis Racket, Paints, Camera, Cardstock.

Okay Kim I've done it. This took 40 minutes. I'm not passing it on.

From Here to There

So this a plug for a band including a former college roommate. From Here to There>
I finally picked up their full length album, which is freakin' awesome. Seriously, I bought it because well, I love Kim and The Bathroom Chronicles, is from 1998, so I didn't have some of the new music. However I've been blown away by not only my love for the CD, but the comments I've had from people who don't know her at all. Sadly, I cannot introduce them to the life FHTT version, because we are states away, though how does a West Coast tour look? I know some Bay Area connections...
Anyway, "You can Have my Heart" is especially beautiful, as is my beloved The Love of God. Really if you like local bands, here is one that you should check out. They run on my MP3 with Dave Mathews and ColdPlay. So that's it, I'm in love with a band and they are too way far away.
While I'm plugging bands try these on for speed.

<.A Night at the Pictures>

<.Darci Cash>


Okay done for now, you can return to your regularily sceduled music.

Water logged

Feelings weigh me down
Struggling to swim
Trying to stay afloat
Yet drowning within
Hard to overcome
Troubles from deep down
Needing more strength
Deeper Still
I plummet down
Drowning,slipping away
Yet I am found
Hands grab hold
I cling to the hope
Misery capsized
eternities sea


Wrote this Monday evening. I like it, though it might need additional polishing.

The Spirit of Discipline

Okay so I read chapter one today and am still digesting the immensity of what Dallas Willard is writing. If you want to be challenged to live more authentically as Christ lived in and out day and night in the mundane and the challenging this book is going to rock your work in a whole new way. And the great part is it's not just some guy rambling on his beliefs, he brings truth from the text, discusses it's truth and shares other scholarly thoughts. Such as Oswald Chambers, who said “The Sermon on the Mount is not a set of principles to be obeyed apart from the identification with Jesus Christ. The Sermon on the Mount is a statement of the life we will live when the Holy Spirit is getting his way with us(Spirit of Disciplines p. 8).” I am challenged to transform my daily walk into a full following of Christ. I encourage the serious to give Willard's book a try.

Do Lobsters Dream?

12-13 and reflection

I woke Friday to utter exhaustion. I dug down deep and asked God for strength to enjoy my day because I knew I certainly did not have any of my own strength left. He provided abundantly. Repeatedly that day I was the cheerleader, the inspirer, the one who revved the group up. Veggie tales, Disney songs, 80’s hits, whatever I could think to sing sprung from my lips in between whoops and encouragement. I was filled with joy and it flooded through me until I woke Monday morning. There is something utterly amazing about the strength God provides when there is no other. It lasts as long as it is needed and spreads like a wildfire in the August heat. The car ride home from the last day of work was rowdy and invigorating. Rather than vamping down from day four of construction work, we leapt from our van and spread our excitement to the other 4 vehicles of high school students. The joy of the Lord was our strength.

Saturday Night I was sitting at the Johnston’s house in the Riverside suburbs on the softest greenest grass I’ve set on in years, and it was there that I reentered the US emotionally. Sitting there with the white picket fence (though Jason said it wasn’t a picket fence at all.) and the grass on Obadiah the dog, with the street lamps and the lightened night sky from city lights, I had an epiphany. I realized how much I desire that kind of life. I guess in a way I see the veneer of the Johnstons and the beautiful symphony of their interactions without the dress rehearsals up the last decades of their family. Yet I see something there that could be me. I would be content to dwell in a simple house, with green grass and the dog. Not extraordinary, not famous, or world changing. I desire to be a one people at a time changer. So here I was processing the suburbs and mexico, and the interrelated pasts and futures I behold in my mind, and the tears streamed down my face. I was joyful and sad, happy and overwhelmed. It was Obi and I immersed in some remembrance of summer nights in Pomona, all tangled in some future I desire to have.

One real challenge was accepting the deference given to me by the 7 men on the event. On the trip down I was van 2, of 6 vehicles. That makes it very hard to be lost. In fact I spent a good deal of the trip following the grey suburban. Yet a few days into the trip my own pride got in the way and I started questioning motives. It seems silly to some, but I find it difficult to accept genuine deference. My mind plays games with itself and twists the sincerity into less quality implications. My stubborn nature rears its ugly head and I fight to accept what intellectually I know is sincerity.

So here I am looking back to the week and realizing how amazing deference can be. Really I believe I was overwhelmed a bit by the regard shown to me. Yet I am thankful for being forced to accept it, being in Mexico and having no other options. It was a growth experience. Accepting help, deference, assistance, whatever one may call it, is a practice of living in community. Thinking upon it I think accepting help is in some ways harder than trying to go it alone. Leaning into the community is not simple. Rather it is humbling, and greatly rewarding. In a community different talents and skills are available and to not use them is to deny the fullness of living in community. You would think this is clear, but when it requires one to lessen self and accept the superiority of another’s skills it isn’t easy. Nevertheless, it is a critical aspect of truly living in community.

More Mexico

10-11

Wednesday morning Dr. J's voice was the first thing I heard. Then I heard the roosters, of course. However, I think Dr. J's voice was the first thing I heard. In fact it woke me, but not in an annoying way. It reminds me of my own father’s voice. I haven’t heard dad’s voice in a bit, but I felt distinctly certain of the similarity between their voices. It was a comforting sound. I keep waking up refreshed and ready for another day, which was amazing since I was sleeping very little. God sustains.

The roof building was something I had not planned on doing and then suddenly I was sitting atop a giant wooden two by four monkey bars. Seven feet in the air I’m squaring the roof beams, hammering them to wall tops and loving every minute. The view of the city was clear and the sky was an amazing color of blue that seemed somehow lighter than the California sky.

Wednesday night Jeremiah spoke on using verses as a prayer. He told of his time at camp and the last few verses in Isaiah 40, reminding God that he is our strength. “I will run and not grow weary” Psalms 119:57 is meaningful to me. I hold fast to the verses and decided that they would be my prayer. “The Lord is my portion.” The next day I think I reminded my self that God was my portion and strength a dozen times. It was with that verse that I leaned on God, over and over again. It was a very exhausting Thursday, but I made it through the day with those verses.

Thursday is also the day I finally allowed those around me to envelope me into the their community. After all those Tuesday tears I leaned on God and he opened my eyes to the opportunity I had surrounding me. What an amazing group of high school students. I have no idea the impact I had on their lives, but I can truly feel the impact they had, and are continuing to have on my life.

Mexico started hard.

I went with Amor Ministries? to build hope the through house and relationship building in Tijauna Mexico. And the more I reflect, the more lessons I see in the trip. So here are the first three days. It's a mixture of journal and post trip reflection arranged chronologically.

7-8-9

We drove to Riverside Sunday and the into the Tijuana area on Monday. The border crossing seemed anti-climactic but the view of Mexico as we drove to camp was an unforgettable welcome to Mexico. Houses constructed out of siding, cardboard, scrap lumber, doors, recycled wood, cement blocks, paneling and anything else that could serve as walls went into Mexican Housing construction. Each house was a montage of miscellaneous material. Many hillsides looked full of precariously balanced houses constructed of mismatched wood scraps. Then randomly I’d see ranches that looked like they could be across the border. In between these two types of dwellings were these communities of identical little houses. There were rows and rows of small neat houses in a line. Tiny houses the size of two dorm rooms in huge communities that echoed mass production. It reminded me of reduced income housing or military duplexes, but smaller.

We arrived at camp, which was dusty and comprised of rock hard ground near the row of port-a-potty’s, and set up out tents, tarps and fire circle. I was exhausted and though excited and ready to work, I was beginning to realize this week was not going to be easy. The ground was so hard it broke plastic stakes. Finally we all settled into a dinner and then our evening worship. Jeremiah gave his talk and then we started trying to head to beds. My van’s alarm started blaring. I’ve since learned that the back side door doesn’t lock with the clicker. As I struggled to turn off the alarm, I broke into tears. I was tired, frustrated, and had a long week to look forward to. It was only Monday and I was not a happy camper. Calming down I went to my tent that I shared with 5 teenage girls. And slept or at least tried to sleep. It was not exactly a peaceful night.

Tuesday morning the roosters woke me up with their distant calls. How could I have ever imagined waking up pleasantly to echoes of roosters throughout the valley calling to each other announcing the dawn. That first morning at 5:30 am I crept out into the dawn, dusks early morning counterpart. It is the time of day when light has arrived before its friend the sun who sleeps in just a bit longer before peeking over the hills. The camp was peaceful with a few early risers meandering to port-a-potties, lounging in chairs, reading the Bible, dwelling peacefully before out days work ahead.

Tuesday’s drive through the town to the job site was an experience to remember. There are often no lanes and cars flow quickly forward avoiding the excessive amount of potholes and each other and they attempt to get to their destination. The local drivers were kind of intimidating. I knew I could not lose the suburban (the car I followed most of the week), but conditions certainly did not make that an easy task.

Arriving on job site I was encouraged by the excitement of the team. We had a long day of laughter and cement mixing. Pouring Paul and his accents kept buckets of sand and cement mixture coming up the hill. Ryan’s consistent turns at mixing the concrete kept the concrete slab growing. Chelsea’s water pushing to keep us hydrated. I think I drank a gallon of water on site that day. It was as if the water poured out of my pores.

I was looking at the all the children today and wondering how they must feel. Imagine 18 strangers arriving at your house who don’t speak your language and begin construction work all over the yard. The back yard has people making a cement slab. The front yard has people sawing lumber. Even the street has people cut and hammering. They must have had some feelings. Looking back I wish I could have captured more time with the kids in Mexico. Not knowing the language left me extremely shy around the children. Being task focused created a desire to keep working on the house, leaving the relationships to those more so inclined. I was a little terrified of communication with the children and it was easier to just smile and continue hammering.

Tuesday evening I attempted to shower, but really just managed to soak myself with the 2 and ½ gallons of water allowed per showerer. My hair felt worse as it dried, but at least I felt cleaner. Dinner was good, I was hungry, but then I was so tired and felt so alone. I had argued with Ryan on the way home over stupid stuff really. I was frustrated with myself. In my journal I wrote, “Tired and life not going as plans are. Am I ever going to overcome this burden.” Then I continued journaling during worship. I sat on the back of our 15 foot truck and cried to God. My journal said, “I feel scared and alone. This is much bigger than me. Oh God be my comforter and friend, Be my Yeshua, my King. Hold me tight. I need you I want you. I’m tired of the loneliness in which I am dwelling. I’m afraid of being left alone. Stay with me, abide with me so much more than to guide me.” I asked God why was here what was His purpose for me in Mexico? It was really the rock again, which yes I still have. Maybe I'm waiting for a clear sign that I can be free of the rock. I knew Tuesday evening it was not time for the rock to go.

Then Jeremiah began his talk and he spoke of Job, “Why are you doing this to me?” It was spoken only minutes after my questions to God I although it was not an answer, it was an affirmation of God’s hand in my life.

The thing is I was surrounded by a community of people who were open hearted and welcoming, but all I wanted that night was my dorm community, the dorm girls who love on me and I love on in return. It was not the people who knew my inner most and I felt I had no one to turn too, No one that knew I was hurting. Intellectually, I knew I was fooling myself. I knew if I would let them, they would embrace me, but those lies on the tapes Satan replays in my head echoed loudly. Your just an adult, you're not really part of the group. My heart ached and I knew I was falling right into Satan's snare. He wanted me to feel alone and rejected. I was not alone or rejected, rather I had pushed myself away from the community which I needed to dwell in.

Yet the truth is sometimes we are without a tangible community and all there is God. He is our shield and our comforter. He is the reason our community works. Without him there is nothing and I learned in Mexico to lean on God for my strength, to cry out to him for comfort, For my portion when I can’t carry on, when I feel the next step might break me, when I feel I might scream at the next nail that bends on me. This is one of my ends and beginnings. it seems I've leaned on community first and God second. I am ready to lean on God first and community second.

Pastafarianism

Pastafariaism
Seriously this cracked me up, then I thought anout its implications and it was a little less funny. It has a back link to the earlier article too. Even a Wikipedia page, which Is probably my most favorite information site.
Just thought I'd share.

Mexico part one

I'm back. There are so mnay thoughts running through my head I think it looks like the LA highway system. Seriously, emotions are just below the surface level and scrambling faster than eggs on steroids, whatever that would look like. I'm feeling rather tired today as it was my first day back to Starbucks. I'm still very much a coffee drinker, and glad to not make do with instant granules anymore to aquire my daily caffeine. Mexico was a time of beginnings and ends, which I will share later this week. I know God is ever present. I know this last week changed my perspective on many levels. I've already cried four times since returning to the California. more to come...

The Rock ends

My rock lessons have continued the entire summer (see June 21 and 22) I have carried this rock throughout northern California. So now the summer is ending and we are encouraged to dump our rock in the ocean as a symbol the vastness of GOd's grace and strength in comparison with our burden. I have not done this yet. I was not ready on Sunday, but I am now. I have defined my need to have less control over situations, and allow for flexibility and change. I have made a practice of going with the flow in various situations and not letting ambiguity get me tense. I know that though I have a long way to go, I don;t need the tangible rock. It is God who all summer has quietly whispered in my ear and He will continue to guide me. Therefore my rock is on the way to the ocean.

The forced internet fast.

So I had a rough week early July. Sun July 10th was the cake topper. My hard drive died. Finit! With that I dissappear from the internet and loose my CD player in one final swoop. Now here I am weeks later, Back online and valuing such things as map quest, and wireless internet much more than before.

Mexico! Looking forward to manual labor in the hot hot sun. I'm gonna drink lots of fluids and weld a hammer.

Yep headed there in a little over a week. 6 adults 28 senoir high students, two houses, 8 days. Priceless.

Feet O'Mine

Fill me Lord
Send me on my way
May I live for you
May you light my way

Guide me Lord
That paths may be right
Following you
Not straying left nor right

Lead me Lord
Through the roads I will go
Filled with you
Sharing the truth as I go.

~Bekah

Haiku

Lately, I've had little that was bloggable. In fact, other that rant worthy events, my life has held no fascinating anecdotes. So, true to my new rantless goal, I have remained silent. Today however, I was reading haikus and came across one that struck deep down to my soul's strings. Being from Western Washington I miss my mountain, Mt. Rainier was an ever present part of the southeastern Sky. Clear days are proclaimed by stating, "the mountain is out today." Locals need not name our infamous friend. Even on cloudy days, which we have a lot of, we know the mountain remains to the Southeast, and will maybe peak through.

Locals where I now live judge clear days by a variety of things whether one can see the mountain (which is really a large hill), the bridge (one of them anyway), or the city (which isn't always visible due to it's own fog even on clear days in my area). It's not the same, but at least the views are beautiful and the sky is frequently blue.

Anyways the Haiku is by Bashu and translates as:

Misty rain
can't see Fuji
-Interesting!

I imagine Fuji, the mountain, is used as a clear day reference in Japan. Now as I dwell in Marin and can see the city and the bridge, though not the mountain, I continue to enjoy Bashu and blue skies.

green is the grass
Birds playing joyfully
canvas of blue.

That's my own poem. And I know it's not strictly a Haiku.