Mexico started hard.

I went with Amor Ministries? to build hope the through house and relationship building in Tijauna Mexico. And the more I reflect, the more lessons I see in the trip. So here are the first three days. It's a mixture of journal and post trip reflection arranged chronologically.

7-8-9

We drove to Riverside Sunday and the into the Tijuana area on Monday. The border crossing seemed anti-climactic but the view of Mexico as we drove to camp was an unforgettable welcome to Mexico. Houses constructed out of siding, cardboard, scrap lumber, doors, recycled wood, cement blocks, paneling and anything else that could serve as walls went into Mexican Housing construction. Each house was a montage of miscellaneous material. Many hillsides looked full of precariously balanced houses constructed of mismatched wood scraps. Then randomly I’d see ranches that looked like they could be across the border. In between these two types of dwellings were these communities of identical little houses. There were rows and rows of small neat houses in a line. Tiny houses the size of two dorm rooms in huge communities that echoed mass production. It reminded me of reduced income housing or military duplexes, but smaller.

We arrived at camp, which was dusty and comprised of rock hard ground near the row of port-a-potty’s, and set up out tents, tarps and fire circle. I was exhausted and though excited and ready to work, I was beginning to realize this week was not going to be easy. The ground was so hard it broke plastic stakes. Finally we all settled into a dinner and then our evening worship. Jeremiah gave his talk and then we started trying to head to beds. My van’s alarm started blaring. I’ve since learned that the back side door doesn’t lock with the clicker. As I struggled to turn off the alarm, I broke into tears. I was tired, frustrated, and had a long week to look forward to. It was only Monday and I was not a happy camper. Calming down I went to my tent that I shared with 5 teenage girls. And slept or at least tried to sleep. It was not exactly a peaceful night.

Tuesday morning the roosters woke me up with their distant calls. How could I have ever imagined waking up pleasantly to echoes of roosters throughout the valley calling to each other announcing the dawn. That first morning at 5:30 am I crept out into the dawn, dusks early morning counterpart. It is the time of day when light has arrived before its friend the sun who sleeps in just a bit longer before peeking over the hills. The camp was peaceful with a few early risers meandering to port-a-potties, lounging in chairs, reading the Bible, dwelling peacefully before out days work ahead.

Tuesday’s drive through the town to the job site was an experience to remember. There are often no lanes and cars flow quickly forward avoiding the excessive amount of potholes and each other and they attempt to get to their destination. The local drivers were kind of intimidating. I knew I could not lose the suburban (the car I followed most of the week), but conditions certainly did not make that an easy task.

Arriving on job site I was encouraged by the excitement of the team. We had a long day of laughter and cement mixing. Pouring Paul and his accents kept buckets of sand and cement mixture coming up the hill. Ryan’s consistent turns at mixing the concrete kept the concrete slab growing. Chelsea’s water pushing to keep us hydrated. I think I drank a gallon of water on site that day. It was as if the water poured out of my pores.

I was looking at the all the children today and wondering how they must feel. Imagine 18 strangers arriving at your house who don’t speak your language and begin construction work all over the yard. The back yard has people making a cement slab. The front yard has people sawing lumber. Even the street has people cut and hammering. They must have had some feelings. Looking back I wish I could have captured more time with the kids in Mexico. Not knowing the language left me extremely shy around the children. Being task focused created a desire to keep working on the house, leaving the relationships to those more so inclined. I was a little terrified of communication with the children and it was easier to just smile and continue hammering.

Tuesday evening I attempted to shower, but really just managed to soak myself with the 2 and ½ gallons of water allowed per showerer. My hair felt worse as it dried, but at least I felt cleaner. Dinner was good, I was hungry, but then I was so tired and felt so alone. I had argued with Ryan on the way home over stupid stuff really. I was frustrated with myself. In my journal I wrote, “Tired and life not going as plans are. Am I ever going to overcome this burden.” Then I continued journaling during worship. I sat on the back of our 15 foot truck and cried to God. My journal said, “I feel scared and alone. This is much bigger than me. Oh God be my comforter and friend, Be my Yeshua, my King. Hold me tight. I need you I want you. I’m tired of the loneliness in which I am dwelling. I’m afraid of being left alone. Stay with me, abide with me so much more than to guide me.” I asked God why was here what was His purpose for me in Mexico? It was really the rock again, which yes I still have. Maybe I'm waiting for a clear sign that I can be free of the rock. I knew Tuesday evening it was not time for the rock to go.

Then Jeremiah began his talk and he spoke of Job, “Why are you doing this to me?” It was spoken only minutes after my questions to God I although it was not an answer, it was an affirmation of God’s hand in my life.

The thing is I was surrounded by a community of people who were open hearted and welcoming, but all I wanted that night was my dorm community, the dorm girls who love on me and I love on in return. It was not the people who knew my inner most and I felt I had no one to turn too, No one that knew I was hurting. Intellectually, I knew I was fooling myself. I knew if I would let them, they would embrace me, but those lies on the tapes Satan replays in my head echoed loudly. Your just an adult, you're not really part of the group. My heart ached and I knew I was falling right into Satan's snare. He wanted me to feel alone and rejected. I was not alone or rejected, rather I had pushed myself away from the community which I needed to dwell in.

Yet the truth is sometimes we are without a tangible community and all there is God. He is our shield and our comforter. He is the reason our community works. Without him there is nothing and I learned in Mexico to lean on God for my strength, to cry out to him for comfort, For my portion when I can’t carry on, when I feel the next step might break me, when I feel I might scream at the next nail that bends on me. This is one of my ends and beginnings. it seems I've leaned on community first and God second. I am ready to lean on God first and community second.